I’m in a different place these days to be completely honest. It’s hard for me to fully grasp each day and seize life by the moment at times. However, I know what I need to do, so I may as well get down to it.
It’s odd for me to be back in Ottawa. Back in my parents home, where I have lived my entire life. I’m currently unemployed, and although I’ve been promised a job downtown working as a bar hand at the Sens House, I’ve realized not everything pulls through, and this may not either. I really want to go back to school as well. However, the profession I wish to pursue these days would probably have me going through various post secondary programs for the next ten years, which isn’t exactly appealing to say the least. I graduated High School with mainly Arts credits, and if I wish to pursue quantum physics and energy research not only would I have to redo those credits, I’d also have to struggle to get into a program in Russia as they are the experts in those fields right now, which would mean getting a working visa and student visa. To be honest I have no idea how either of those processes would work, as I haven’t done the research into it yet. That’s something I could most definitely be doing. Is that even what I truly want however? I really don’t even know. I also want to go and study alternative healing methods around the world (traditional yoga in India, meditation in Tibet, Chinese herbal medicine and so much more). However this all costs money and what skills do I possess other than writing and my good looks? Well I suppose I could always become a freelancer and model part time….
On a serious note however, I’d simply like to say that I truly am at a dead end today. I feel anxious as I write this. Why? I do not know. Nor would I care to know. I prefer the distraction of hitting each key and seeing each word form in front of my face. I may have picked up drinking again. Which is of course a good and a bad thing. Having a few drinks can be a wonderful social enhancer, or as a tool for relaxation and numbing the body. However, I’ve had major problems with alcohol in the past. Me and her have a very fond relationship of one another, but as with all my vices, she simply brings me down. I know that I don’t need any of these poisons in my life. However, as odd as it sounds, they simply remind me that i’m alive at this point. All alcohol does is alter your mind, as with marijuana and many other narcotics. They also have health side effects of course. Cigarettes are a creation of death, especially the way they are manufactured with hundreds of chemicals in the West. I’m a smoker unfortunately, a habit I hope to give up very soon. However what I’ve realized above all else is that with each puff of a cigarette I am quite literally draining my own life force. I’m killing myself. Slowly but surely. So in a sense, I and other smokers can be seen as suicides. I don’t know if that’s just the beer that has me saying such dark words, but think about it. We know it’s going to kill us. Everyone tells us it will. But we continue. Why? Well I simply enjoy it. It’s somewhat sadistic, but I’ve been an avid smoker for half a decade now, and it resonates with me in a weird manner. I fucking hate it, yet won’t let it go. Romeo and Juliet? That’s a funny way of putting it. “I know Juliet will probably kill me as Romeo, but I love her. Romeo and Juliet are both dead. I know smoking could possibly kill me, but I enjoy it. I am however alive”.
Is this me simply venting to a computer screen because I quite frankly do not feel like writing about anything else? No. I’d love to be writing about something else. Why is it that I am writing about what appears before you at this very moment then? Well. That’s a question there. Confusion. Scorn. Those I just heard those two words back to back in a song. Now I can’t get them out of my mind. Those are two feelings that so many Humans feel so deeply in their core in this day and age. Why is that? The answer is right before each and every one of us. You simply have to look deep within. No on else can look within your true Self. You can. We’re all meant to go down this path alone. We’ll meet one another on the other side and talk about it then. In that context I mean that in order for us to break free from the bondage of our past we mustn’t rely on one another, yet assist each other in our own personal quest to “true freedom”. This freedom I speak of is different for everyone. I don’t know what it is to you. You’ll never know what it is to me. We’ll speak about it one day I suppose.
Have a nice day my friends.