*Please note that this is a very personal article and it will touch upon some very controversial subjects. You are entitled to your own opinion no matter what, and I completely respect that. This is simply my own experience in dealing with psychedelics, rather a single experience out of many “connections” (as I personally refer to them) that ended up being incredibly positive and rather profound. Please acknowledge the fact that I personally have been an avid “Psychonaut” for lack of better term for a very long time. I have also had incredibly difficult and rather negative experiences with the substances, at the same time however, it can be argued that these experiences were just as profound, as they forced me to acknowledge and deal with the darker elements of my psyche and taught me just as much. With that being said, I most definitely do not condone the use of psychedelics to individuals who are simply looking to “trip”. Nor, do I condone the use of them to an inexperienced and ill prepared individual. Everyone knows when the time is right to use these substances; some people use them frequently throughout their lifetime and treat the substance with the respect it deserves , and it assists them in many aspects of their lives- overcoming the past, tapping into their own creativity (becoming more like themselves “who they truly are”) and having deep actualization’s about what the “next step” in their lives are. Others may try them a single time and the experience may either be so horrid or profound that it dissuades them from ever giving the substance another chance in their lifetime. Some people however, never need psychedelics; they know their purpose and shoot through life fluidly like an arrow approaching it’s mark. Others practice various Ancient/New Age practices that can help the practitioner achieve the same results as psychedelics (holy-tropic breath work and Tai’Chi are perfect examples of these natural practices as they allow the individual to tap into the “source” of what they truly are, similar to psychedelics). You may be wondering yourself right now if psychedelics are for you? and if that is the question. Well then, they could very well be for you, however knowledge is power. Inform yourself and do research on the specific substance you have in mind before attempting anything. We’ll discuss many different types of psychedelics in upcoming posts, however I’d like to remain on track with the main focus of this article: The experience that personally affected me in a very positive manner.
If you know me personally, then you would know I have “dabbled” in the psychedelic scene for a while. I still remember the first time I ever tried psychedelics, specifically psilocybin (what many refer to as magic mushrooms). Me and a few of my friends had been smoking marijuana for quite some time already by the age of 16, and we figured it was time to move onto the next “frontier” shall we say. We contacted one of our friends older brother, who just so happened to have acquired a batch of blue tipped mushrooms, what I remember referring to as “dream caps”, it felt like it was meant to be. We ended up buying some off of him, and decided that the following Friday was the time to test them out. A good friend of mine had already tested them out that week, and had bragged of his magnificent experience. This made me incredibly anxious to get into the ordeal and we decided that my friend’s house where we always gathered to hang out would be the ideal area. Boy were we ever wrong. I got off work that evening and went over and immediately ingested the caps. For the first hour nothing was going on and then suddenly BAM. I was drifting in and out of reality as we know it. The floor became an endless machination supported by millions of golden cogs of all shapes and sizes. The small blue dragon from the show “Dragon Tales” (which I avidly watched in my youth) was following me and gesturing me to enter a blue portal in the dark side of my friends basement. The girls who accompanied us that evening suddenly resembled Gothic dolls, their mouths stitched shut. A guy who I didn’t know very well looked incredibly distressed and kept asking me to help him, as the grim reaper was looming over him and apparently seeking to take his soul to the other side. This of course freaked me out completely, as I was completely new to the psychedelic scene and didn’t acknowledge the fact that what I saw was simply aspects of my subconscious which I had kept bottled up for so long; essentially I was afraid of many things in life, but my daily ego prevented me from acknowledging that fact. So when I was finally conscious of what was really going on inside my mind, it didn’t end too well. Although that first night was much darker than I could have possibly imagined, I bought more “mushrooms” the very next day and began to experiment on my own for a while; dawning in the psychedelic era of my existence. Most of these trips continued to be dark, as I lived an unconscious lifestyle at the time and subconsciously I knew this, which was why I was seeking to enhance my own conscious presence through the use of psychedelics. As the years went by, I slowly stopped engaging myself with these substances and traded them over for an abusive relationship with marijuana, tobacco and alcohol. Those years were incredibly dark for me and those around me as well I can imagine, and I wouldn’t wish them upon anyone. However, in this lifetime we are here to learn from our mistakes so that we may use our newfound knowledge of these experiences to better prepare for the future. I graduated High School eventually; knowing only that I hated school and wanted nothing more than the “truth”; however, considering I live in Ottawa, which is one of the most conservative cities within Canada, I soon found myself enrolled in a college program for Journalism, hoping that I could find truth through this profession. Boy was I ever wrong, once more. I dropped out after only a semester due to severe depression and anxiety (I was still abusing the three substances I had mentioned earlier, though not any “hard” drugs, even though alcohol is one of the most destructive and unconscious substances on this planet, in my opinion of course) and overall just not resonating with the program. Those that surrounded me in the class didn’t seem to seek the truth in an unbiased manner (although some may have grown, and may become incredibly brilliant conscious investigative journalists in this day and age, as they are still in school and life is all about growth, nothing more) rather they simply were searching for a degree that would land them a comfortable job (don’t know why they would pick Journalism for that path, but hey, to each their own) or they were seeking to push their own biased agendas into the mainstream media (and is that not what mainstream media is after all? well, maybe not for the journalists and reporters as they simply become tools without free will spewing what they are told to spew eventually in exchange for a pay cheque. Rather, mainstream media is simply “big money’s” way of pushing their own biased and deceitful agendas to the public). So I was done with college and had taken up carpentry through a company that a family friend worked for, specializing in building timber log homes (yes, i’m Canadian, eh). That didn’t work out, and I lost the job after a few months. I was lost at this point. With no job, no goals and terrible mental health, I knew that something had to be done in order to reach equilibrium once again, so that I may pursue happiness on my own accord.
I suddenly found myself boarding a plane headed towards the jungle city of Iquitos, Peru, the city at the heart of the Amazon jungle. I was going in search of the elusive plant medicine, Ayahausca, what many refer to as the vine of the soul. I had an incredible journey there, which you can read about on my blog as I have already documented the entire ordeal thoroughly. I met some kindred spirits seeking healing and wisdom. I found myself in the jungle, and wondered if I should even come back to civilization. For once in my life I was truly happy. Eventually however, it was time for me to return. My ego had duties back home after all. So I left, albeit a brand new person and returned to Ottawa. When I returned life was beautiful for a short few months. I started this blog and brought a new energy to my old relationships. The “honeymoon” phase ended eventually however, and I was sucked back into my old cycle of abusing negative substances. I stopped writing and playing music. I forgot the teachings that mother Aya had gifted me with. This unto itself caused me to experience the darkest night of the soul that I had ever dealt with, and this lasted for well over three months. I worked as a mover, and then a chef- all the while holding my own demons at bay and feeding them through negative thoughts and self pity as I abused the same substances that brought me into this pit to begin with. I was miserable on a daily basis. Something struck a chord with me however when one of the head chefs invited me out for a break with him to have a smoke (if you have ever worked in a kitchen then you know that breaks virtually do not exist, and only smokers get the occasional five minutes, I had quit smoking at this time but accepted the offer to stretch none the less). We began to talk of our lives- we were similar, quiet marijuana enthusiasts who typically kept to ourselves and enjoyed hobbies such as listening to different types of music, reading and video games. Suddenly he said “man, if there’s one thing that helps me in life it’s shrooms. A dose single dose and you’ll be set for the next sixth months”, Synchronicity moment. Obviously he could tell that I suffered from depression and anxiety, everyone in the kitchen could. I could hardly look anyone in the eye. Struggled to hold a conversation. I was a hard worker, sure, but I think the fact that the head chef felt sorry for me was one of the reasons as to why I kept the job. When he told me that, something clicked. I needed to get my hands on some psychedelics again.
As the weeks went by I forgot of the “light bulb” moment and settled back into my old ways. Work everyday. Go home to my parents basement to wallow in despair in a cloud of marijuana smoke. Rinse and repeat. Out of nowhere, I received a message from a friend that I had met in Peru- one of the best men I know, a true warrior and lion at heart who fought the good fight and supported those around him regardless of what he himself was going through. This friend of mine invited me to come and stay with him and his wife and a group of other fellow “Aya” disciples (literally, everyone gathered at my friend’s place was connected to the Amazon and Ayahausca, once you start working with the plant medicine it has a way of keeping you in contact with it’s tribe for the rest of your life) in Oregon. My life was rather dreary at the time, to put it lightly.(at least I made it that way, after all, life is truly what you make it). So I said, sure, why the hell not. I quit my job as a cook and thanked the head chef for the opportunity, he was very kind to me and wished me the best of luck on my journey. Before I made my mind up however, I knew that I needed to “connect” in order to find out if this adventure was truly right for me. I picked up some psilocybin and dosed the same evening. I went for a walk down a beautiful trail and prepared to face myself. Long story short, I lost that battle. Fear gripped me intently and I found myself running home from the woods (where I belonged at that moment in time) back home where I spoke to my sister about what had just happened, and realized that this trip was the a checkpoint along the path that I followed. Four days later I found myself on a plane headed towards Oregon, simply because I didn’t know what else I could do at the time, but I knew this to be the only thing I could do. I was greeted by my friend and quickly made friends with the others present. However, as always- my depression and anxiety were still there, if dwindled somewhat. I was still a very heavy marijuana smoker for most of my stay and tended to isolate myself whenever possible (I always did this when I was a heavy marijuana smoker) and I took psychedelics with the group of individuals whom I can now call brothers and sisters on three different occasions (two different occasions I dosed with LSD and on the super moon evening of last year, me and the group I accompanied dosed some extremely powerful psilocybin and experienced and extremely powerful and difficult evening) . Each experience was an incredible challenge, and I grew from them greatly (even if they were incredibly difficult). Many refer to these experiences with psychedelics as “bad trips”, and they most definitely are- if that’s what you are willing to label them as and not accept them for what they truly are; simply experiences that we are here to learn from, not dwell on. If you can accept them for what they truly are, simply experiences added to your collective Human experience that are simply a part of your life to teach you about yourself and allow you to grow, then you can accept them as the gift in disguise that they are meant to be and move on from what it is that holds you back. After a bit over two months. I decided that my time in the U.S.A was coming to an end. I was getting lonely, even though I was surrounded by people with open hearts and minds, and I really wanted to get back and see my family and friends. I left Oregon and traveled back to Ottawa. My family was very happy to see me, and my friends had wondered why it had taken me so long to come back. Some people thought I had joined a cult.. Well, can you blame them? After all I do have a tendency to literally disappear within a matter of days without warning and then reemerge weeks to months later without proper communication to anyone other than my immediate family. However, what I was really doing was ultimately working with a group of people that sought the same as I did, healing and clarity on where to move next in life. The Universe has away of bringing about groups of people with certain ideals and intentions, those working in the same “vibration frequencies” (what do I mean by that? Well, let’s just say you are attracted to some people and opposed to others for a very good reason. You either “resonate” with someone, or you do not; Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe).
I found myself home. Life was good. however it didn’t last and I quickly began to be turned off by my old ways, and those around me that practiced the past as well. I found myself incredibly conflicted. Repeating the endless cycles that were the source of my initial suffering, or moving on from them entirely and forging myself anew. Slowly but surely, I began to cut ties with those that no longer resonated with me. To the point where I found myself comfortably alone. It’s true what they say about isolation. You fear it in ignorance and embrace it in confidence. I began to practice that which had always resonated with me once more and returned to my ways of old. My passion returned as did my true Being, which I hadn’t been in contact with for close to a decade Eventually I decided the time was right for me to take a strong dose of LSD (I was alone and in a comfortable and familiar setting), as although my life was beginning to turn around for the better and I hadn’t felt so much positivity and happiness in years, I still needed guidance on how to use my new found energy. I dosed that evening at around 9:30 PM, and prepared myself for what was to come. It’s going to sound odd (as usually doses don’t kick in until after about 30 minutes) but instantaneously what I had to do for the evening. I found myself cleaning the entire space that I was present in, even that which was not my own, as the outer world greatly affected the inner world and I needed organization in order to process what was about to occur. Suddenly, love and laughter exploded from every cell in my body, and I needed to create space for myself to process what was about to occur within my conscious mind. I became present, more so than I had ever been before. What I truly was became clear to me, as did my mission within this lifetime, in the matter of an instant (everyone’s path is different in this lifetime, and I’d rather not share that here, as it will simply become clear throughout the years of my newfound sense of self to those that care to see) . I took on many different roles of my former self in order to shed them, and accepted what I was to become as part of my inner core. The fear and hate of my past could no longer bear the love and light that was beginning to come through as I shed that old layer of skin. I lay down, and realized for the first time in a very long time. That I actually loved myself. This was something incredibly alien to me. As it had never occurred to me that the key to true happiness (or at least the beginning to happiness) was to love yourself and accept that which you are. I simply lay there and allowed myself to Be. Soaking in this deep realization that may be so apparent to some but so hidden to many in this day and age. I then began to think of the ever so complex world that stood before me, my place in it and what duty I was tasked with before I allowed myself to believe that I was nothing more than another cog in the system (and although I strongly believe in Unity of us all, and fulfilling different societal roles that provide us with the lifestyle that we require in order to live happily and successful as Human Beings, I also do believe that the current political and social systems, essentially the system in general, is of the old ways and that it must fall in order for a true shift in our consciousness to emerge, allowing a new paradigm of Humanity to take place within our lifetime, as do many other people with whom I have talked to throughout my short Human experience so far, so I know for a fact that we are not alone) and came acknowledged my place in this world, and what I must do (there is ever so much work to do for us all, but the times are changing drastically and many are waking up and seeing the light of the day at the end of the dark night), rather what WE must do in order for us to truly bring about change. I didn’t sleep at all. Information was flooding me at such a rapid pace at this point that I hardly had the time to jot down a few sentences before the next “wave” immersed with my thought patterns. I went for a run at around 4 AM and found myself on a beautiful trail in a heavily wooded area, the same area in which I found myself in before I left to Oregon, gripped in fear. This time however. I was ready. For some reason I thought that I was to meet some Being there (if you have ever taken psychedelics, then messages and synchronicities can come in abstract messages as you know). Who I met there however, was none other than Myself. I accepted it. The fear and negativity of the past diminished. I regained control. For one of the first times in my life. I spent an hour simply standing in the woods and being with nature. Really attuning myself and acknowledging the realizations that I had experienced throughout that evening. This was really the only truly positive psychedelic experience that I had ever had in my life. It was the one true breakthrough (other than my sessions with Aya, but even this was incredibly different) that I had achieved, even if I had some incredible realizations with my “connections” before. I ran home and made a tea afterwards, fully immersed in the moment of what had taken place that evening. It was around 5:30 AM and the sun was rising. It shun golden through the clouds and was truly fitting for the moment. After the long night, there always come a bright day, I thought to myself. I took a shower and lay down in my bed. I managed to drift off eventually and sleep for a few hours. A new day had emerged.
So I’m happy you made it to the end of my story, and I am really happy to have shared that experience with all of you. If your thinking about trying psychedelics after reading this article then more than anything I pray that you search deep within and seek answers to determine if this path is truly for you, as there are many other alternatives that are natural and don’t put you through the intense experience that psychedelics will most definitely impose on your mental state. They are most definitely not for everyone. That being said, they can most definitely be for some people. Will they help you achieve buddha consciousness? enhance your creativity to that of the level of Van Gough, Hendrix or Einstein? Probably not. Can they help you if what your seeking is honest and reasonable? Without a doubt. Will they expand your awareness and make you conscious of many different ideas and affairs that are taking place around you? Most likely. Can they help you get through some dark times in your life, if only by allowing you to realize that you are the only one who is responsible for your thoughts and actions in this lifetime? Absolutely. Are they for you? As I said, only you can make that call. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me through the Contact page.
As always, if you enjoyed this article and it taught you a thing or two, then please feel free to share with your family and friends. This information is here to inform, nothing more.
As always I hope you are well, wherever you may be.
Sending you Love through Light,
Fragmented Illusions (Brandon)