My greatest fear in life is without a doubt commitment, which happens to be one of the foundations for success and happiness upon this planet.
For without commitment there is no end result, for you rarely see any task or journey through to it’s completion.
As though the farmer whose crops wither and fade away three quarters into the harvest, the lack of consistency in following through with my goals and dreams has lead me into the present, where I ponder why I am the way I am and how exactly I am going to change so that I do not repeat this vicious cycle into my future.
The fear of commitment began with me at a young age, for with commitment comes lack of freedom, as you are bound to terms and conditions that you must meet in order to meet the complete the commitment consistently.
I have always valued my own personal freedom above all else, as it allows me to sporadically engage in whatever I wish at a moments notice, however, I do crave order, simply because it is the opposite of myself, chaos, and opposites attract inherently, a statement I seem to understand more deeply the older I get.
Yes without a doubt, lack of commitment will lead you into the abyss, for that is where I engage my existence currently, and it is where I shall rise from, for I am beginning an experiment, one of holding myself accountable for once and for all, an experiment I have engaged within before, and an experiment I shall certainly administer upon myself throughout the epochs of time.
This experiment is one of self exploration and self realization, it is to test my willpower and my confidence, it is to test my inner strength and fortitude, above all else, it is to prove to myself that I am capable of following through with my word, to prove to myself that I still possess the faith required to see this human experience through.
For I lose faith ever so often, which then allows me to transform from the man that I truly am into a beast of the twilight, ravenous and unconscious, haunting the silent hills and wailing when the bottle runs dry.
Only to awaken tattered and torn, amid the painful memories that fill me with joy and scorn, for it takes a gifted being to digest and release all of the events and opportunities that have throughout this history that we collectively been a part of. Being gifted in the sense however is not natural, it is built upon day by day, through discipline and diligence and the drive to want to actually alter the set of circumstances that you find yourself ingrained within.
When you commit fully and wholeheartedly to living true to yourself, then in turn it makes committing to challenges all the more easy, as it is rewarding to accomplish goals that align with you as a human being.
My struggles have always resulted from my inability to determine what exactly I am in pursuit of completely and utterly.
One moment, I feel as though I am drawn to be a spiritual healer, the next I feel as though I will enlist in the military and pursue higher education (the latter options being of complete and utter polarity) before deciding that I will not waste my time and energy being institutionalized, and that I shall follow my heart as a musician and writer, where I currently find myself, if truth be told, where I always have been.
I was incapable of staying committed to becoming a healer (a healer is an individual who holds space with others while they work through disease of the mind, body and spirit and employs skills and techniques to assist and hasten the process, a healer in the holistic sense is simply allowing the client to heal as ultimately all healing is self healing) because I myself was not healed, so therefore, how could I possibly assist in the recovery of others when I had not completed the process myself.
I always wanted to be in the military because deep down in my subconscious I craved for destruction of myself, I was unhappy and unwilling to see myself as whom I truly was, I didn’t feel supported in my pursuit of life, because I didn’t support myself in my pursuit of life (ultimately, the only support we can truly rely on is directed from ourselves) therefore if I was incapable of living true to myself, then I would rather perish or have my originality stripped because I wasn’t willing to commit to being my authentic self.
That’s a load to release, an admission of my own, something that I have known for quite some time but have never been able to vocalize. The truth is always the most difficult to accept in regards to one’s own truth, it’s easy to give advice but incredibly difficult to follow our own at times.
In the end, in my current state however, all three past pursuits have melded into one.
For I am a healer, I am working on putting the pieces of my own fragmented puzzle back to totality and unity, in doing so I am also being a positive example for those around me who may also begin to put in the work in their own lives so that they may live more fully, I am also a warrior, as I have and always will fight with all of my heart for what I believe to be true and for that which may benefit the largest sum of us possible so that we may live in brighter times.
These latter archetypes are very much a part of my creative process, which I employ as an artist to manifest music, stories and visions, I’ve always fought hard to create art, as the process is either fluid or it is a struggle, my art is turn is my form of healing, both for myself and for those that witness and experience it, it is all of ours inherently.
At the end of the day, I may have struggled with commitment throughout my Human experience developing into the man that I am at this present moment, but what I commit to now is being who I am and pursuing that which makes my heart soar and spirit sing.
That is the purpose of my existence, to work through the struggle presented to me, make sense and clarity of it and release my own natural gifts so that others may benefit from them as well.
There are people out there that are waiting to be assisted by each and every one of us, and we won’t be able to assist anyone until we help ourselves, until we truly love ourselves we cannot love anyone else, until we decide to be of service to ourselves, we cannot be of service to anyone else, until we finally learn to commit to ourselves, we will be incapable of committing to anything.
Today marks a new chapter in my life, as I’ve developed a balanced “tool kit” of life (by tool kit I am referring to skills and beliefs) that will allow me to commit to leading the life that I am in pursuit of. What I am in pursuit of will break a cycle that I have been engulfed within since I was an adolescent and lead into my adulthood, it has been rife with uncertainty, pain, addiction and less than positive relationships (because I wasn’t capable of acknowledging positive nor negative relationships, I allowed the parasitic ones to continue and the symbiotic ones to fade away).
It has been characterized by my inability to identify what I want out of this life, believing fatalism would guide me to my destiny one day without the need to exert myself, what a frail fallacy that is, only found within fantasy tales.
It comes from lack of commitment to myself and the Human being that I am. And so, I begin a 100 day gong today, a gong is a monastic practice of change and alteration, a practice meant to break bad habits and develop new positive ones.
I learned of this practice from Dr. Pedram Shojai, an amazing leader in the realm of being holistic in every aspect of your life (from mental, physical and spiritual health to your finances and the way you contribute to becoming a member of humanity that seeks to preserve and conserve our earth and her resources for the future generations, our children and their children).
I will tell you my gong, it is to not use drugs (other than caffeine and nicotine, which I will cut out by day 30), to read every day at least 20 pages, to write 500 words of my book each day as well as publish a blog post and to exercise daily (which I’m pretty stalwart within) as well as meditate daily upon awakening. So, these positive habits will replace my negative habits.
My negative habits of substance abuse that always manage to weasel their way back into my life when I feel overwhelmed and unhappy, the option that I always utilize in order to escape.
I’ve never made it 100 days without substances (mainly alcohol and marijuana, both of whom I shared a very toxic relationship with for close to seven years now), I faltered on my journey back in December of sobriety last year, now it begins once more with me.
I am committing to becoming the best version of myself possible, would you care to join me on this journey? The darkness always reveals the light within.
Thanks brothers and sisters, this was a difficult topic for me to write about as it is ever so personal but immensely gratifying to have released. I am committing to myself, I pray that you do the same. I’ll update you all on my journey briefly in each future post. I’ll see you all 100 days from now, a very different man. If you enjoyed this post, please like and share it, if you wish to stay updated with my works, simply follow the blog as I post rather frequently.
Sending you Light through Love,
If you would like to check out Dr. Pedrams wide variety of works and projects, you can find him at https://www.well.org/