Ahem, Cough, Sigh

Burning freely and with immense vigor before plummeting to the bottom of the ocean as a miniscule piece of shrapnel, hardly even making a splash.

Or cascading solemnly and subtly throughout the atmosphere, casting a light, provoking a twinkle, towards those that catch the sweet traveler serenading the moonlit sky. Highs and lows.

These emotional states have haunted the spirit of humanity ever since consciousness arose.

The definitive moments in which we are able to recognize and acknowledge the balance, or therefore, lack of, and adjust accordingly, or, if we happen to unconsciously enjoy the chaotic ride we are strapped into, ignore the warning signs of malfunction that will lead to destruction eventually.

Alas, the high is that of being unaware of uncertainty whereas the low is being aware of the uncertainty, certainly unaware and uncertainly aware in sequence.

Considering this is solely based on experience, I cannot speak for others, however I am immersed in the same stratosphere as you happen to be, which is why we are occupying the same space, you visually, and I mentally.

The experience I speak of is riding through the tribulation of my own journey, feeling the light and embracing the darkness as it swallows me whole, regurgitating cyclical sequences that re calibrate throughout my lifetime, as I am merely a character, and I most certainly am following a script, however, the change begins with consciousness.

For I am conscious of the highs and lows that have defined my human experience for the duration of the 23 years that I have been earth bound.

During that time, I have done my best to escape at every moment possible, addictions certainly attach themselves to me quite often, unconsciously, I feel guilty about these addictions, therefore, I manically do my best to contribute to existence because I will die one day, and if I do not leave behind a legacy, then it will be as though I never existed, and to be frank, I probably never existed to begin with.

These addictions encapsulate abuse because I seek destruction, and the closest I can get to such without embracing annihilation is evasion, therefore alternate realities were my initial choice, in the form of video games. Secondly, substance abuse occurred when it was made known to me.

Thirdly, disassociation from my own humanity itself occurred. I forgot who I was, therefore, I could not know anyone else, nor did I care to.

In fact, in forgetting my own humanity, I forgot others humanity as well.

Lack of connection, lack of love ensued, and that lead me to this moment in time, a place of recognition and acceptance.

A place of forgiveness, and certainly that is what this is all about.

Indeed, rewinding a bit, I see that because of these addictions, I felt the need to create, which is why I am an artist, which is why I write, which is why I play music, because the nature of my duality requires balance, and if I am going to be self destructive, then certainly I must be creative in turn, correct?

Indeed, this is my nature.

This is recognition of my nature.

A roller coaster of emotional tribulation that I have caused others and in turn, the effect was dealt upon myself.

That is the nature of Karma, cause and effect, whether you are aware of it or not, you most certainly reap what you sow.

So, when will this end?

With knowledge, that I possess, of my own nature, if I was to change it, I must be aware of it.

Then in turn, I must consciously intend to alter the course of fate, the direction in which I am traversing.

Certainly, the captain must acknowledge the course of the vessel if he wishes to avoid shipwreck, and that is what is occurring.

Honesty is the first step, and I must admit, that I have really not been honest with myself.

I’ve been really fucked up, man.

For the past decade, in fact, I’ve been fucked up for my entire life, I guess that’s my initiation into humanity, acknowledging that I am a contortion of distortion, which seeks re calibration in order to be present.

The cyclical event of addiction and disconnection is recognized and that is frightening. Fear however, false evidence appearing real, is what has prevented me from acknowledging this state that I live in.

And i’m not afraid any longer, in fact, I am ready.

Today marks 89 days of sobriety for me, the longest period of time that I’ve managed in over a decade. I’ve kicked opportunities to the curb in exchange for escape, and I’ve rejected love in order to accept darkness. I am telling you all this, because I am telling myself this, for the first time.

I’d really like to avoid the plain and simple truth, but if I don’t accept it, I’ll probably end up dead sooner than my expiration date states.

So I am sorry if you are reading this, I saw everything as nothing and nothing as everything, I was so ready to fade away that I forgot life was for living.

I didn’t realize all I was leaving behind was rubble, I thought I was building something of meaning. I had to be treated the way I had been treating you, in order to see how horrible the hike was in those shoes, and my feet are quite blistered.

I don’t know what the future holds, however, I know what the past has held, and presently, I will not replicate the sequence in order any longer.

I suppose the take away from this is, I am very full of shit, and I’m working on cleaning out my system.

I am a human being.

I am light and darkness, I am also neither, I suppose.

I’m starting to work on this.

I emerged from the womb with a purpose, and I intend to fulfill that before I crawl back into the tomb.

I will either enact positive change, or negative decay, that is a choice, whether I am conscious of it or not.

If you feel like this makes sense, then try to make sense of it yourself.

Only good things can happen from accepting reality as it truly is. Work on it. I’ll be there with you, in spirit.

Take care folks, follow the blog if you enjoy my rambling and want to be updated with future posts.

Sending you Light through Love,

B

Categories creative writing, healing, HonestyTags , , ,

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